July 3, 2022
I completely lost track of time! Was supposed to pick up the nephew and completely forgot. Funny thing, I was keeping an eye on the time and it was nowhere near seven. Next thing I’m getting a call, “You’re still coming for me?” It was 7:15. How did that happen? I was reading and didn’t realise the time.
Thank you for today. I think I just (“just” completely minimises its impact, but still), listened to sermons today. It was enlightening. Thank you for your word. Thank you for your love. Help me to guard my thoughts and to be careful with my words. I pray for “the boys.” That they would present their bodies, minds and souls as living sacrifices. I pray that they break the addiction to weed and operate in full clarity of mind. Show us what else we can do to break off these chains. Open their hearts to you Yahweh. May they choose to know you for themselves. Thank you Yahweh for hearing and answering. I love you.
TODAY’S THANKFUL TALLY
- Rejected from volunteering. Lol. It wasn’t that dramatic though.
- Completely forgetting to pick up the nephew.
- Your refining fire.
- 1 Samuel 29-31, 2 Samuel 1-10.
Fight these battles for me. Help my unbelief. Yahweh, I can’t seem to fall asleep. I’ve been in bed for more than an hour and I’m still here. So I got up. Gonna do some work. I was daydreaming again. Not gonna beat myself up if I do, but will redirect my thoughts. Hold them captive. Yahweh, thank you for your grace and favour. Thank you for renewing my spirit.
September 30, 2021
It’s too late. I want to step back. Protect myself. Take back my attachment. I’m going to be alone. Again. Everything that I get attached to leaves and I am left behind. I’m tired. So tired. So tired that I don’t want to even cry. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling. I said tonight that I spent years locking away how things affected me: when things bothered me. Maybe it was better that way. Not allowing myself to feel. Can I go back to that? Cause right now I am feeling scared. Right now I am feeling like I am falling into an abyss to my death. Right now I feel alone. Again.
October 21, 2021
The truth is I no longer dream. I do have some goals that I want to achieve. But no dreams. Dreams are for kids. Why dream of being loved? Why dream of any of that? I can’t control others actions or wants. Dreams are not real. Dreams are not fulfilled. I got carried away in the moment. Live in it. Enjoy it, but don’t get carried away in it. This is not a fairytale: it never was for me. Why did I expect it to start now? I need to get it all out. Remove them from my heart. Dreams are not real. My desires are never fulfilled. Why did I think for even a moment that they would be? That was stupid of me. So stupid. So stupid. Remove my emotions. Companion. Physical. That’s it.Â
I wrote these on those dates and reading them again, I am reminded of how I felt. But today I am also reminded that Yahweh cares. He dreams for me, even through the times that I stopped. He didn’t hold back, even though I did. He knows the future especially when I don’t and he will work all the good, the bad, the indifferent for his glory. For my good.
I can smile at my future because Yahweh is already there.
