March 13, 2023
2:56 am – in my bed, feeling slightly nauseous.
Dear Yahweh. I have a lot to learn. And I realise that for the past year I’ve actually avoided videos etc on marriage because a large part of me felt that if I’m focusing on you, I’m focusing on you and I don’t want no distraction. I also said this while praying for the marriage that is promised.
But lately this weird situation keeps happening where everything keeps coming up marriage, And just now as I put on YouTube to listen to a sermon the first one that came up was…
“The Dress Rehearsal.”
Followed by
“A Wedding Dress.”
Followed by a song
“You Waited (for me, for me)”
Followed by
“He’s on a break from dating/She saw her husband marry someone else.”
And I watched one and then started the other and I realised something. I’m not yet married and until then (and continuing), I’m still in training. Training isn’t just about to live a single life in relationship with Yahweh, but also how to live a married life in relationship with Yahweh.
I believe in your word, but most of all I believe in you and I truly don’t want anything to be above you. Now the truth is, I won’t say that disappointments going forward won’t happen because to never be disappointed means that I never have expectations and I don’t want to go back to that way of living. But I will trust that in this time, whatever happens is in your will. That as you said, you will never leave, I can trust your work. I can trust who you say you are. And I will lean into that.
So here is to me trusting you in all things: good, bad, appointed, disappointed. Here’s to the learning process. I had to unlearn a lot of things, but now you’re also teaching me a lot of things. Help me to learn. Yahweh, I also pray for an accountability couple who will provide your type of guidance. Who will lead us as you desire. I also pray that in our marriage, that we will not forget and isolate ourselves from community, including single people. That we will continue to be a bridge.
I just realised something else too. Folks always talk about bridging the age gap. The generational gap. Now I know the age gap between us can only be “so” wide, but I just realised that we will be bridging that gap. You’ve called me to be a bridge, but you’re actually calling us to also be a bridge. Help us to remain strong in you. Our foundation will be/is rooted/fixed in you. Thank you for using us as part of your plan and for your glory. Thank you for your perfect expression of love. Thank you for you. I love you.
That was funny. And I realise you do that. Mind you I watched a twenty minute video (one of the four), then started watching another of the four. And its when I backed out I realised the “trend,” which stayed there even though I had watched stuff. Now that I just finished writing topics down and praying, I picked up the phone to finish the video and even though I hadn’t refreshed or touched anything, the whole thing is gone. All of the newsfeed videos from before are gone and “regular” sermon videos are back.
3:54 am : wondering
Yahweh, I need guidance, directions, instructions. Yes, I am still in all this. But I’m noticing another trend. I’m not an “online” person. I run from dating apps though I did try a couple years ago. So this is my question. Am I supposed to join a dating site?
It’s not a pretence when I say that options seem to be non-existent where I am. I also realise that there are seasons where no one checking for you is protection and a blessing. I think for me, putting myself seriously out there on a dating site is such a huge risk especially in a community like the one I’m in. I am so careful about my life being out there that dating sites scare me.
And I’m sorry for just zoning out. But as so many of the stories coming up, most are speaking from a virtual standpoint for their initial connection and it made me wonder. I seek your definite guidance on this.
And something else: am I supposed to be a speaker? Not a preacher, I truly don’t think you’re leading that way. But a speaker as in podcasts etc. I’m wondering.
Okay, I’m back to the video. Thank you for your intentionality in everything.
Random thought: I miss stilettos. I really do. It’s been a thought I’ve had for a while. I’m wondering if I can try again.
Thought/Question: what do I look forward to in marriage? I half way seriously said sex. But the truth is having that partner. Not that life would revolve around them, but that we would like life together. Have that space together. Not us against the world scene though, but being that support, having that support. A safe space to be who we’re called to be.
So. This podcast. A couple was relating their experience. The husband said that he was in church and God told him to give 20,000 in offering. He left and got the money and did that. The next day 500,000 was stolen from the business. The house they had just bought, they weren’t able to move into it. They lost everything financially. Things aren’t back to what they were before, but they learned to trust Yahweh completely. The host said that when we sow, we don’t expect the bottom to fall out, we expect a harvest. But to see what happened instead, that had to be God for a reason.
This story is me – when all the financial problems started, I was rebuking the devil, but one day while getting out of work mode and praying, I heard the question, “what if it’s not Satan, but God doing this?” And it made me pause. That’s when I realised that this wasn’t a scheme from the devil, this was Yahweh’s plan. Painful, but his plan. Humbling, but 100% his plan.
