June 23, 2022
Nothing between. Thank you. Even good things can come between us. Yes, our desire to come apart from everything and pray as a group is a good thing, even a great thing, but I can’t let that come between us. Typing up the entry from June 1st: Three in One, just actually helped to re-centre me. All evening I’m singing, reading the Bible and still feeling discouraged, but those two words – nothing between – just brought home that even though it wasn’t intentional, I was letting it come in between. Thank you for calling me back to you. Thank you for the frustration. Thank you for loving me. I don’t know when and how, but it will work out.
I’m attending this meeting for the first time in a couple months. Give me strength, your peace, your wisdom so that I can rest in you. Thank you.
Truthfully I read the Bible today, but I am not gonna list what I read because I was so distracted and discouraged that I can’t even remember what I read.
TODAY’S THANKFUL TALLY
- I’m alive.
- The meeting that went for three hours.
- THE dog is here.
- I have a place to live.
- I could not focus on the Bible.
Please help me. Please don’t leave me. Today just. It’s the mental attacks. Honestly today, I felt alone. I don’t quite know why. I kinda do. Six months just feels long today. The long meeting that was just bacchanal for seventy percent of the time and then coming home to the dog. Sigh. I’m not giving up on you. I’m keeping my confidence in you. Even though right now I am tired. I’m frustrated. I’m keeping my confidence in you.
CONFESSION: I don’t know if I want to keep a position in this church anymore. And I’m….why you had to do that? You didn’t even let me finish before you send a message, “Stay in church.” Though for the record, I wasn’t leaving the church, just the position. But Imma humble myself and keep the position.
What just happened? (The Story)
Honestly was in the middle of lamenting, but also knew that I needed to kinda shift my focus. A video had come up from a channel I have not even seen before, “Trust God While Waiting” and decided this seems apropos so I’ll listen to it cause I needed the encouragement. Just in the middle of writing the confession that I want to leave my position in the church (Hadn’t even written it yet, but had completed the thought), the speaker on YouTube said, “Stay in church,” it was a bit unexpected in the conversation. I truly wasn’t planning to leave the church cause I know it’s where I’m supposed to be for now, but I guess I’m also staying in the position.
And I guess that’s part of the waiting process. Stay in the position that he last gave while waiting. Don’t move because it’s hard or frustrating. Stay in the position. The funny thing is? I do love what I do in the church. It’s just the politics of the meetings etc that I can’t deal with. But I guess I have to. Since I’m staying in position.
CONFESSION: Lol. Okay confession will wait. I’m kinda smiling now because the next speaker just said (after I continued the video once I finished writing the above) that we are looking for God to move. But God is looking for us to wait aka “Stay in position.”
I’m gonna wait on you! I’m gonna wait on you! I’ve tasted your goodness. I’m trusting your promises.
CONFESSION: I’ve forgotten what the previous confession was. Lol.
Thank you Yahweh.
Isaiah 30:18 – The Lord is waiting to be kind to you. He rises to have compassion on you. The Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all those who wait for him.
Micah 7:7 – I will look to the Lord. I will wait for God to save me. I will wait for my God to listen to me.
Take it one day at a time.
It’s almost twelve. Twenty-four minutes to twelve. I’m debating just staying up until twelve and starting the midnight hour with you. I know it says the evening and the morning, but I do kinda like the “on the stroke of midnight” scene.
