March 3, 2024
3:46 am : sitting at my desk at home
Yahweh. Holy is your name. You are good. You are merciful and I’m still struggling. Why? And why am I bringing this up now? It was my intent to sing and praise you (still will and am) using music on YouTube as accompaniment. But I messed up and listened to a sermon snippet that stated some of us still sit in our past mistakes and are afraid to ask because we believe that you are holding our past against us.
Matthew 7:11 – So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.
I struggle with the asking. I really do and I need help. I feel as though I’ve heard so many “No’s” in my life and so many who I’ve shown up for don’t show up and even when I ask you, I’m still left hanging 80% of the time that I wonder if I’m asking right or if I heard right and so I’m afraid to keep asking to keep hearing no.
And I know that your “no’s” are for my good, it doesn’t always make it easier especially when others are getting “yes’s” for everything including what they didn’t ask for. And I hope I’m not complaining. It’s not my intent. My intent really was just to worship you.
So I’m asking for help to overcome my current fear of asking for help from you or anyone. I guess what I’m trying to say is, “Should I just worship and you will do?” (cause truthfully it kinda feels like nothing is happening). Should I worship and ask? Cause it also feels like I did that and nothing is happening either. Am I missing something altogether? The same things I prayed about and felt so sure of your answers are the same things I am praying about now and I don’t know what to do anymore. If to keep praying about them or to stop. Shouldems I just accept that this is the life for me? Or should I keep hoping for miracles?
It’s kinda ironic that I say keep “hoping” for miracles when you are the source of hope. You are the beginning and middle and the end of everything. I desire to build on you. Show me what that means in every sense of the word.
I’ll still pray for the house and financial recovery. I’ll still pray about the business and the ministry. If you choose to provide, you do. If you choose not to, you don’t. This isn’t a position of defeat. I hope not. But the truth that I hold to is that you know what is best for me and will move accordingly. So I pray for your spirit to move in me to accomplish your will. To do what you desire of me. To live in the spirit of you. Help me to honour you in all things.
Yahweh, last night I was asked to plan a programme segment. This is where I’m struggling – no one else is fighting up with AY. And I do not desire to continue this struggle on my own. It’s definitely a trend in this church whenever I’m involved in anything so I honestly feel like I need to re-evaluate me. Yahweh, what am I doing wrong that no one helps even when I ask? Damn. Okay, this seems to be hitting on all sides. Where do I need to change? And should I step down? That way others would most likely fill the gap as they did in every other position I stepped down from. Yahweh, show me what to do please.
Matthew 7:24 – Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock.
I was literally wondering how to build on you. Listen and obey. Get to know you. Read your word. Listen to your voice. Share my life with you. The good and the bad. Spend time with you. And when struggles come. And they will. Listen to you and obey. Get to know you better. Read your word more. Listen even more for your voice. Share every aspect of my life with you. Spend time with you.
In essence, don’t stop. Help me to keep my trust in you. My hope in you. Thank you for your word and your speaking.
I seek your guidance regarding AY. Should I step down or should I keep going?
Psalm 121 –
1 I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!3 He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.5 The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.
Thank you Yahweh for the reminder that you are my help. It’s kinda funny though it reminds me of:
1 Corinthians 4:15 – For even if you had ten thousand others to teach you about Christ, you have only one spiritual father. For I became your father in Christ Jesus when I preached the Good News to you.
You are my help.
You are my father.
You are the source of my faith.
You are the source of my hope.
You are the source of my strength.
Hebrews 12:12 – So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees.
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Romans 15:13 – I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
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Isaiah 41:10 – Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
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1 Corinthians 4:15 –
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Psalm 121
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Somethin Better – Blanca (feat. Tauren Wells)
Jireh – Maverick City + Elevation Worship
8:15 am : sitting in my car
I sought my parents’ advice about staying in the Youth Council. Looking at how I’ve had to carry other departments on my back and now the same thing is happening again. We are not meant to operate in isolation, but within this church community the only help I have is Yahweh and I absolutely agree that he is help I need. And he did remind me of that this morning. What happens next? Mom said I usually get help from Steph and others though not in this church, make them my group.
