August 14, 2022
Thank you for a new day and a new week. Thank you for waking me up. Confession: I feel disconnected this morning. Not from you, but weirdly enough from myself and the world around me. I was actually sitting here trying to figure out what it is I’m feeling and that’s the best word I can think of.
I am a paradox. According to dictionary.com: a person or thing that combines contradictory features or qualities. Maybe it’s the test I took last night that got me thinking. But also as I sat in church yesterday, my isolation at church really bothers me though it didn’t seem to at the time. I’ve always seemed to be the odd one out and honestly most days I’m okay with it, but there are the moments (few, but there) when I wish I fit in better. Yep, I do realise that I don’t fit in, in any of the places you’ve asked me to be. And in a way that’s a paradox in itself where we are usually advised to find where we fit in.
But the other aspect is that I’m usually the initiator. And I think (lol, I know), that’s why I don’t want to initiate with a guy. Because I usually have to for almost everything else. Plan and coordinate activities. Be the one to make the call. Suggest after a while, let’s meet up. Be the one to pick up and drop off. And yet I am isolated at church and at work.
Now about being the initiator: I do firmly believe that in a relationship (Biblically speaking) that either the man or the woman can ask the first question. Here’s why I don’t want to though. I need someone to lead. I do not want to be the lead in a relationship. I have no desire to be the one to have to initiate our decisions. I don’t want situations where his response is a constant, “I don’t know, you decide,” because so much of my life is that way that I don’t want our relationship to be that way.
And I guess the couple of single and relationship sermons I listened to yesterday seeped deeper into my thoughts than I thought. That’s a good thing though. But Yahweh, I am humbly asking or rather, I’m indicating my preference that in a relationship I don’t want to initiate. Let it start with him please. I have no problem planning dates for us after etc, because I do believe that we should both maintain the relationship, but I truly don’t want to start. And after all that being said, and this is the truth, if you do insist that I have to, Imma eat the humble pie and do it and smile while doing it.
Yahweh, teach me to do thy will. And to truly embrace all that you are calling me to do and to be in this season (and every season). Thank you for surrounding me and having my back. As Isaiah 55 says, be my rear guard. Thank you for your grace in my life so that I can face each day.
Yahweh, I pray for your daughters. That each day we will seek you and choose to be drawn closer to you. That our words will be holy and acceptable to you. That our actions would be singing in harmony with you. So funny thing: I’ve always said in tune with you and thought of it a little while ago, but harmony popped in and wouldn’t leave. I was going to ignore the thought and still say in tune, but harmony kept pushing through. And so I wrote harmony. As I think about it now, it truly isn’t just being in tune with you. It’s being in harmony with you.
Harmony:Â
- A combination of simultaneous musical notes.
- Pleasing arrangements of parts.
- An agreement or accord.
- Internal calm
- An interweaving of different accounts into a single narrative (I love this one).
- A systemic arrangement of parallel literary passages (such as the Gospels) for the purpose of showing agreement.
And why I love the one I do? Because I can’t see your perspective (though I would love to – but don’t want to die. But thankful for the glimpses that you’ve given me), but you can see mine. And you weave my thoughts and desires into your song. You’re carrying the melody and you ask me to jump in and sing with you. Sometimes both singing the melody and at times I’m singing the alto or tenor. Other times, you ask me to sing the melody and then you carry the alto, tenor and bass (cause you’re just that good). But once I’m following the direction of the director – you (lol, I walked right into that didn’t I?), then the resulting sound would be pleasing to you. But…if I don’t come to practice (prayer). If I don’t spend time learning the songs (reading the Bible). If I don’t spend time singing out loud (worship). If I don’t follow your instructions (listening to your voice), it would be a discordant mess. And this is just totally me visualising the last part: and the music director (you) would stand there and shake his head, like what am I gonna do with this child? And then try again.
Thank you for not throwing up your hands in frustration and walking away. Thank you for desiring to turn me into a musical masterpiece. Thank you for your patience with me. Help me to be patient with others the way you are with me. Thank you Yahweh for being the director of not just my life, but the world. I love you.
Job 22:21 – “Be in harmony and at peace with God. In this way you will have prosperity.
Romans 8:28 – We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God—those whom he has called according to his plan.
Confession: I don’t really like Christian movies. Most of them have this slow pacing that kills my spirit to watch. The music wants to put me to sleep. I must say though that I do like most of the Kendrick Brothers movies. It’s not like the action movies that I like, but they are usually at least engaging. Last night I searched for a Christian movie to watch. All that came up in the blurb (does blurb apply to movies or just books? Hmmmm) was somebody dying and those left having a faith crisis. And I was like, did all of them do the same script and just change the name? Then I selected one that didn’t talk about someone dying, but it did say there was a tragedy. I spent five minutes watching a kid ride a bike to the slowest music possible. I kept thinking that something will happen when each scene of him riding the bike changed: maybe say hi to someone? Eventually I clicked off. And that’s how on a Saturday night, I was listening to a sermon.
Especially since I don’t have Netflix right now (casualty of the bank error). This morning I’m home alone (ahhhhhh! rofl) and gonna look for an action movie to watch. You know what would be awesome? An action movie with Christian characters who talk/preached/show Yahweh. And I mean action, like Ironman action (but clean) or ID4 action. Cause, yes I do believe aliens exist. There are other beings on other worlds and they eventually get tired of human beings taking so long to get with the universal programme that Yahweh is awesome so they came to earth to share their first hand account of how fantastic it is to fly to other worlds and sit at Yahweh’s conferences. But human beings (because we are so smart) decided to hurt them and they had to fight back, but eventually got people to listen. Meanwhile Yahweh comes to earth (in alllllll his glory) and is like, seriously guys? I had it under control, after all, it is my world. And the whole world stares in amazement (after all, every eye will see him) and then end cut – sequel alert!
I promise, I don’t use caffeine.
