This morning, in my prayers I indicated that I’m not the best at teaching crowds, but would be better at working with/mentoring one (or two) youths at a time. Asked for guidance as to whom. Later on I met with the sponsor and we paired off secretaries with leaders. She suggested that I be paired with Lissa as I would be better able to mentor her. Funny thing is, I was running from Lissa, but…but… I guess I have my assignment. And it’s amazing how some prayers are answered quickly and others have you waiting. But whether answered now or later, it will be worth it in the end.
Is there going to be this lingering, underlying sadness/longing all the time? I’ve noticed it before and usually it goes away or it seems to. I don’t know if it’s a healthy feeling: I truly want to live for you. I don’t want to desire anything more than you. I truly don’t want to spend this time yearning for what’s in the future. Help me to live in the moment.
Sigh. This sermon did not go the way I expected: that God was/is waiting on me, because he thinks I’m worth it. I have truly started to believe that God loves me and yes it’s different because I know that God loves me. But the reminder that he loves me not as an abstract and that he loves me and waited for me. I’m still messed up. There’s still so much that I have to learn about me but Yahweh I am here. This is me. This is me as I am.