Blindsided

May 22, 2022

I will trust you through the hurt. It will get better. It will get better. Kinda wish I wasn’t blindsided though, but it will get better. I will hold on to you and I will hold on to your promises. This is only a season. It is only for a time. This morning I said even though…I will trust you. Even though what I’m going through makes no sense right now. I will trust you. 

I don’t even want to type up right now. 

(Sermon): There is purpose in this pain. You will bless both the purpose and the pain. Thank you for the reminder. Thank you for your love. Thank you.

Can I say that it just got realer? This is truly not easy. And I’m kinda reminded of the conversation last week where the young lady asked me if I was sure Yahweh would ask me to do this. And maybe he would shorten the time: maybe it’s not for a whole year. Truthfully part of me would wish it was. A year is a long time. And I guess part of me thought it would be getting easier. Praising Yahweh in everything? Yes, that has gotten easier. But I still get despondent at times. I still hurt at times and what I thought would get easier as the year went by is actually getting harder. 

I wish at times I could throw away my heart and not feel things. But Yahweh gave it to me so I need to hold on to it and treat it well. I need to trust him despite the pain. I need to keep my heart fixed on him. He is my father. My protector. My comforter. And he desires what is best for me. 

It’s funny, I’ve always admired/respected/had a crush on Jonathan. Yes, a dead, biblical character and yes there is hope for me in this life. He was faithful above and beyond. I’ve always said that he knew he had to die in order for David to become king. But he never wavered. He still supported, he literally went through death because he knew in the end there is a purpose that was to be fulfilled. Even if he had to die. So he remained faithful. He moved through all he had to go through. I can also, right? I can. And my purpose is not unto death. So I can make it. 

ONE YEAR

To the God who saved me. 

ONE YEAR

To the God who loves me unconditionally. 

ONE YEAR

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Five months have passed. He has brought me through five months. Seven months is easy for him. For you. Thank you for bringing me this far. Thank you for the promise of tomorrow. Thank you for who you are. I love you to you and back. 

Thank you. Thank you. Because you knew it would get harder. And it would be harder to do alone and you orchestrated a community. Even though it is solitude. I’m not alone. Thank you. 

Yahweh’s Comfort

Thank you for speaking to me. Thank you for drawing close to me. You spoke to me directly and then you sent two messages to me, to remind me that there is a purpose. That everything happens for a reason. And it’s about your timing, not mine. Things will be buried this year. Things have been buried this year. But things have also been born this year. Things will be born this year. I will keep my trust in you. Thank you for holding me for so thank you for loving me. Thank you for using me. 

And a fourth message about purpose! This time from a previous journal entry I was posting. When I decided to journal, it truly wasn’t with the intent to do all this, but every time I read something previously written, I am encouraged in some way. And even though today, the pain hit hard (both physical and mental), there is purpose in this pain. This journal has helped me remain grounded. Plus side to it being online? It’s easier for me to search and re-read.