April 18, 2022
Yahweh, I am not sure how I am feeling. Mainly unsettled, wary. Not sure why.
Okay. I feel like I’m at a stand still. Not at a distance and wait on the lord, but at his stand still. I feel like I should be further along with the spiritual journey. Though I guess the question is, what is the final, final destination? (Not the immediate one that I am seeing). What does that look like outside of heaven? Like I should not feel moments of sadness, should not get angry, should not talk about a situation. Truth is, I know deep down that “shoulds” are not good. I was parked up in the bush this morning and was enjoying the solitude, and then all my fears that I thought I had overcome came crashing in. What if I heard wrong? What if I’m really supposed to be single for life? What if the blog doesn’t even get one view? Doesn’t help anyone? What if the house doesn’t get built? And I know “what ifs” are bad also. I’m tired. Yahweh, help me not to run from my fears but to trust you despite them. I don’t know the next step after the next and I don’t even know the time for the next step because those are no longer in my hands. And I guess that’s why I feel at a standstill. There’s nothing that I can do. Yahweh, I will trust you. I can do that. I will wait on you and instead of standstill, I will be still. Yahweh, thank you for your grace over me. Each step I take, I pray that it is in the direction that you desire me to be. That I remain open to you.
Prepare me for the future that you have for me. Show me what I need to work on, and what I need to put away. Prepare me for this ministry. Well actually the two ministries: wait, three ministries. The prayer group: I’m not even sure how to lead a prayer group. Please show me what I ought to do. The blog: the technical part that scares me. How do I do this and that? The analytics behind the site. Yahweh, I pray for the brain power to truly understand what to do and I pray that it will help someone to be drawn closer to you. Prepare me also for marriage. I knew I had a minor meltdown, but even though things look absolutely unlikely right now (sigh), I’m holding onto your promise. I do consider marriage and being a wife to be a ministry: a helpmate. Yahweh, guide my step so that I will learn and practice what I need to. Help me not to look at perfection as my goal, but progress in you. Smooth my rough edges. I know that yes, I have a strong (?) personality at times, but I don’t want to be a millstone around someone’s neck but an anchor in a storm. Though I guess that’s your job and why would I think it will be that stormy? (Facepalm) I don’t really, but any relationship does take work and I pray that both of us would be willing to work. That we would be dedicated to you. That you would honour you and be an example to others.
Thank you for who you are, thank you for the season. Honestly some days feel like eating cake and other days feel like eating rock (no one wants that). Help me to keep trusting you and good days and bad days.
I pray for RaeRae. I know it’s not a simple task, but I am thankful for his help. Provide for him Yahweh. I pray that he will be drawn closer to you. He’s in the process of building, it’s never cheap or easy. Blessing him Yahweh, so that he’s able to build their home. Let your will be done in his life and keep him close to you.
Thank you for your protection over my life and this house. Even driving today, you took the wheel because of the unexpected bad roads that we came upon. Thank you. For your provision: things that we take (too often) for granted – food, shelter, clothing. But also for unexpected provision. And I just realized that it wasn’t unexpected, I truly expected your provision. The method though was unexpected. But I am thankful. Beyond words, thank you for being my God. For being such an awesome father and for loving me. For using me and speaking to me. I’m sorry for the moments where the what ifs came in, but I’m thankful that you never leave me in my what ifs. I am thankful that you never leave me.
Show me your will – honestly I had to stop because you have shown me your will. In moments when there is nothing left to do, I need to stand. But stand.
On your word.
On your promises.
On your love.
On your grace.
On your peace.
I will stand on you (that sounds so wrong), but you are strong and mighty and big. So I will stand. On you. Thank you for being my rock and my anchor. I love you.
TODAY’S THANKFUL TALLY
- God-given navigational skills. I’ve been told that I’m a good driver. But in exploring today, took a road less traveled. Honestly I was there a few years ago and it was fine. Was not expecting valleys in the road. But with the help of mom and Yahweh, we made it through safely.
- Time away in the bush.
- Mom found out about my season of prayer and fast. On the drive today she brought lunch for both of us. I did not know she was doing that. And she kept asking why I wasn’t eating. Several times. And because she started getting very concerned I eventually indicated that I was in a season of prayer faster, but I did not say why. For me unless it’s a corporate fast or unless it had to be revealed, I think such seasons are between Yahweh and the individual. But everything happens for a reason. Because I don’t believe in coincidence. Not with God I serve..
- Provision!!
Thank you Yahweh for your spirit in me. Thank you for covering me. And next time I’m tempted to go off the rails, you can give me a spiritual tap or a hug. I’ll probably prefer the hug since you know, I like hugs.
