While there have been times I’ve said this grudgingly, in this moment it is truly my heart’s desire. I pray that I will always choose to let your will be done.
I will remain in this place. I will grow in this place until you call me into something else.
I will learn to love myself (flaws and all).
I will push past my fears.
I will build.
I will be content with whatever season you’ve placed me in.
Sigh. I am truly putting all my insecurities out there. When it really hit me that I won’t be a mom, I cried. For weeks, months even. I grieved for what I no longer had the opportunity to do. I was also acknowledging the realities of not necessarily finding a life partner. Forty was a difficult year for me. I did nothing special for my birthday. I mourned the life I had dreamt of.
Didn’t even think about marriage, cause I usually don’t have options. I gave up. The truth is, I have not really been living for the past two years. Just existing. I felt like why bother? And I did not even realise this until today. I was making no plans for my future, except for the vague, build house in Moriah, travel. But even that never went further.
Even if it’s by myself.
I haven’t had a hard life. Not a horrible life by any means and I am thankful for that. But I realise above all things, that I have lived a lonely life. And it has made me afraid. Afraid of constant rejection. I don’t want to be lonely going forward. I want to have the peace that passes all understanding. I want to have never-ending joy.
Thank you Yahweh, for your daily provision. Thank you for your promises and for keeping me.
My future is better than my past. The best is saved for now. It’s not going to be in unexpected places. Open my eyes to see that it’s going to be normal. It’s now.