Today I noticed that I’m feeling sad and unmotivated. I just want to stay in bed and interact with only a few people, if any at all. I have decided to use this as my journal everything. I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way, but I have been doing my best, well trying, not to overthink. Trying to live in the moment. There is one thing I do sometimes hope for: that someone would call me and say, “let’s do this today. Let’s spend some time together. it’s an uncomfortable truth that I’m usually the initiator. The exception I must say is Vie and Steph. They may not hang out with me much, but they will check on me and I’m thankful for that.Â
“She’s not heartless, you know as some may think. She has just grown tired of being discarded by those she had been there for”
I saw this yesterday and it struck a chord. So many times it feels that way. Now I admit that is just a feeling and it may not be the truth. What I often find is that few people invest in me the way I invest in them. So should I stop investing in people? Or should I still invest but expect no return?
I also need to embrace that I don’t fit in. There is no place for me on this earth.
This is what it boils down to. Accept who I am, accept who they show themselves to be. Accept what they mean to me and what I mean to them.
Today I am sitting in my car. I can’t even remember what thought it was, but I broke down in tears. At this point I realised that
I NEED HELP!
Yes, I’m following the videos and being mindful, but I am not okay. I really want to be okay mentally. I really need to be. I don’t know if I can even afford it, but I contacted a therapist. I have a consultation for Tuesday. I’ll be in my car, because lately my car has become my sanctuary.
I am broken, but I will heal. Help me to love me even in my brokenness. Many times lately my heart is racing. I don’t even know why. I need to know how to fix me. It’s sad, but I also don’t have high hopes for this relationship. Feeling like I’m an afterthought, though he says I am not.
It’s easy to pretend that we don’t need others. That we don’t desire connection. But we do!! We all do. To something or someone. And no matter how much we pretend or make ourselves busy, without that connection, some type of connection we die. We often say that Yahweh is there and I know that you are there, but even you have two others beside you in close connection with each other. When you went about, always everywhere, you were with your disciples. You had that connection. I think that’s what we all desire. I was going to say to some extent but no, we all desire connection.