March 7, 2022
I am awake at the time that I have not woken up in months (only about two months, but it’s amazing the things that you get used to). Thank you for a new day, another day to do what is right, I hope. Another day to spend with Yahweh. I don’t always admit it or even always realise in the moment, but hormones truly do affect how I feel. And there are just those times when the desire to be held is so strong that it hurts and all I could do is sing and pray.
I’ve heard people say, “Oh, after a while you don’t feel the desire anymore.” But I wonder how true that is. I think you get better at coping but for that desire to be held to leave? It’s not likely. But I guess I’ll see what I say in ten months from now.
Yahweh I pray for your strength for today. One day at a time. Thank you for each day. Each day you provide: food (spiritual and physical), shelter, transport, love. Everyday you lend me your strength (well maybe part of your strength because you lend to everyone else too and still have enough to do the wonderful things that you do. Hallelujah!! Thank you!). Everyday you propel me past my fears, past my tears into the places you desire for me and I am beyond grateful. Because of you I can smile at my future. Because of you I can dance in the storm (may not be the most coordinated, but I will still dance). Because of you I have the promise of a song. A song just for me and I am thankful. I am thankful for the promises in my life and grateful for your blessings day by day. Thank you for coming into my life and tipping it on its header to save me. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, you are an awesome wonder and nothing, no one can compare to you. You are faithful. You are good. You are true and though it is small in comparison to you, I love you and I will choose to honour you this day.
Matthew 4:4 – Jesus answered, “Scripture says, ‘A person cannot live on God alone, but on every word that God speaks.'”
It is so easy to think that daily bread is on the physical but it’s not (after all there is a devotional call “Daily Bread” for a reason). Yahweh’s word is life itself. He spoke and the earth came forth. He spoke and storms were stilled. He speaks and hearts are opened. He speaks and we are filled spiritually and physically too. Thank you for desiring to fill us and for sustaining me. Thank you for holding my desires in your hands so that they don’t destroy me or lead me down a path prematurely.
It can be easy to turn to the physical things of life to fill, but they cannot sustain. Probably why the richest people always hold on so tightly to their wealth and try so hard to get more. It’s filling for a while, but not sustaining. Would it be nice to be rich? Without a doubt. But I don’t want to join the cycle of always feeling myself and never being sustained. I pray, Yahweh, for your continued restraint(?) over my life. That this day, I will choose you.
Isaiah 61:3 – To provide for all who grieve in Zion, to give them crowns instead of ashes. The oil of joy instead of tears of grief and clothes of praise instead of a spirit of weakness. They will be called oaks of righteousness, the plantings of the Lord, so that he might display his glory.
Not the physical but the spiritual. When the soul, the spirit is at rest and happy, Yahweh can show off. Without that oil of joy in our hearts, it doesn’t matter much what we do, we will always be in grief. The problem with grief is that we are always looking for ways to cover it. But everyday we come to Yahweh he fills us with the oil of joy. The thing with oil is that it is absorbed and it appears to disappear, but it is nourishing on the inside. But if you stop applying the oil, filling with oil, it would get dry and brittle and break. Our souls break without our daily, consistent word from Yahweh. We would become useless. When Yahweh fills us physically also, we don’t seek to lie, cheat, steal to get ahead. Whatever is provided is honest and also serves to feed the soul. No guilt is an awesome feeling.
When I woke up, I was thinking how much I love stories. I’m not usually drawn to love stories though because so many times they feel insulated. But this morning I recognized that I do like love stories: the ones that don’t just talk about love for another person, but how that love impacts all around them. I like stories that don’t think small and I’m drawn to those stories because they remind me of your story. Only yours is real. Your love has a greatest impact and it’s far reaching, but it’s the day-to-day that shows us that love.
It is easy to focus on the big picture, but it’s in the details that we see how much Yahweh loves us. Sigh. I truly don’t know how to express what I’m seeing.
His love for us is made up of tiny connected dots. So tiny that when we look at it, it looks like a continuous thread and it can be easy to just look at it like that. It’s what we do. But not Yahweh. Each tiny dot is our day and he sees the string, but also comes into each day, each dot. To ensure that that dot is taken care of and it is not broken or weakened. Each day he is in it. That’s what his love does: protects the whole string on each dot. Thank you for today and for showing your love for me. To ensure that all come together for your glory. For my good.
CONFESSION: I desire an epic love story. I know that sounds selfish and I guess in the way it is, but I don’t know how else to say it. I desire a love story that will stand the test of time and that would inspire others. And I know that this isn’t just about me and a guy, but also about me and you. Your part of the story is already epic. What about my part? What do I do? (And no ehhh, I am not going and manufacture drama, for epicness – if that’s even a word). But I guess what it comes down to, I hope that others would be inspired to:
- Not settle for less than what you desire for them.
- To become part of your epic love story.
And to recognize that love stories are more in the day today. The day-to-day that adds up and connects and that you are in each day. You provide for each day and you love for each day. And that love stretches to a lifetime and to eternity. That’s the type of love that I desire. Both spiritually (with you) and physically/spiritually (with my partner), if that’s not too much to ask. Thank you for loving me so completely, I pray for your grace to keep on growing in love with you daily.
You provide our everything for us, every single day. We can’t live without that connection each day and honestly I feel so all over the place trying to capture how much your daily everything encompasses, but it’s truly not possible to fully grasp it. So I will rest in it instead: in all of you even though I can’t understand all of it.
I really need my own space. Yahweh, I am truly trusting you for this promise because I absolutely cannot do this on my own. Thank you for you.
I’m sitting in my vehicle, I don’t feel inclined to go into the office. There is something this morning that seems to be tugging at my spirit. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad, but it’s pulling. Honestly it could be all the issues with no resolution in sight for some of them. Yahweh, thank you for your strength: I can do all things through you.
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