March 31, 2022
It is the end of another month. The third month of the year. Thank you for bringing me this far, for protecting this family. Thank you for leading us and for another day with you.
Thank you for your love and grace, for the many roles that you fill in our lives, many times before we even think to ask. Thank you for being the Covenant keeper. Thank you for looking ahead and knowing what we need and being willing to provide.
You are my King.
You are my God.
You are my friend.
You are amazing and gracious.
You are filled with majesty.
And I cannot do this without you. I cannot live this life without you. My life has been a roller coaster pretty much all my life. Times when I was close to you, other times far. Other times just going through the motions: doing things is not a relationship with you. And I knew that, but the truth is, I felt forsaken. I felt that you had forgotten me. That what I desired, what I needed wasn’t important to you. That I wasn’t important to you. So why bother?
I’m sorry for the years wasted and I’m grateful that you never left me. I am grateful that despite what I thought, you knew that I was important to you and found a way to let me know that. Still hurt like the dickens but it was worth it.
I will trust you Yahweh, that you are in control. That you love me and desire the best for me, the world for me. Because you gave up everything for me.
You left your father’s side for me.
You showed me who you are. You’ve covenanted with me.
You have never left me.
Thank you for where you have brought me from, thank you for healing me, thank you for everything. I don’t always know what to say.
Tomorrow is April 1st 2022. Tomorrow is the start of a 3-day fast that ends on my birthday. There are so many “things” that I desire, but most of all, I desire you.
To spend time with you.
To grow deeper and closer to you.
To know you above all.
I ask for you to be with me like never before and yes I may have a list of people and actions to lift to you, but I’m choosing to listen to you. That even though they are all well and good, if it’s not your desire for me to dedicate to you, I will put it aside. Thank you for who you are and for you removing any covenants I entered into unknowingly that was not of you. Thank you for your protection over my life and for this opportunity to sit at your feet. Thank you for teaching me the discipline that I need. Thank you for being intentional towards me: for loving me so much. I love you Yahweh.
Hebrews 13:5 – Don’t love money, be happy with what you have because God has said, “I will never abandon you or leave You.”
Sigh. So there have been times (too many times) when I looked at others and wondered when Yahweh would do that for me. Wondered why I was left out. It was wrong. Yahweh has his unique and wonderful plans for everyone. He knows what is best for each of us individually, and while I’ve always felt that I may not be able to handle what someone may have gone through, I did feel left out. But the truth is, so many times Yahweh showed his hand and I would get despondent at the wait. So I would go my own way, try my own thing. But in all of that, you never left me, you were still guiding and you show that you are still on time.
I understand why some things happened when they did (or will happen when they will). Because preparation is just as important as receiving. You wanted me above all to be prepared and I am thankful for what you’ve done in my life in preparing me for the next step. Today Yahweh, I will choose to follow you. It’s funny, the same way you ask that we not worry about provision for tomorrow, it’s the same way you ask me not to commit to anything tomorrow. It’s a daily walk with you and while there is a recognition that a promise with time attached promises the next day, the condition still applies: don’t worry, don’t concern yourself for the next day. Walk with me today. Trust me for today. Yes Hope for tomorrow, but look for today.
Thank you for who you are. For never changing.
2 Corinthians 4:7-9 – Our bodies are made of clay, yet we have the treasure of the good news in them. This shows that the superior power of this treasure belongs to God and doesn’t come from us. In every way we’re troubled, but we aren’t crushed by our troubles. We’re frustrated, but we don’t give up. We’re persecuted, but we’re not abandoned. We’re captured, but we’re not killed.
CONFESSION: This scripture did not encourage me previously. It honestly made me feel as though everyday would be a day where I am ripped apart, trodden on, but yayyyyy! (Sarcasm at its best), I would live to see another day of the same thing. Why would I truly want to sign up for a life like that? So I didn’t. I would walk away because those not following you seem to be doing better. But walking away didn’t “work” for me either. Probably because I wasn’t willing to do what others were willing to do or to give up on you.
But it’s all about where my focus is. It’s not that my soul, my life is a troubled life, but that others will try to trouble me. And I may be aware of them but they don’t have the power to hurt me. The only one that seems “personal” based on how we feel is “frustrated.” Others can frustrate me and that’s something that is internal. The root word is “aporeo” and it means to be at lost, to be in doubt. But in those moments of doubt we should remember that we are not without resources. We have a father who provides.
SIDEBAR: The words spoken are powerful. It’s not enough to just believe, we have to speak our belief. This week, I was reminded of this many times and as I read further in the chapter, the reminder came again.
2 Corinthians 4:13 – The following is written, “I believed, therefore I spoke.” We have that same Spirit of faith. We also believe; therefore, we also speak.
Back to the study. But remember words have power and we need to speak what we believe. So speak of Yahweh. Speak Life.
Psalm 37:25 – I have been a young, and now I am old, but I’ve never seen a righteous person abandoned or his descendants begging for food.
I won’t be left by Yahweh. He never leaves. He doesn’t let me loose. But I need to choose him. The second part is interesting though – ” seen begging bread.” (Going to get extra spiritual before returning to the physical). The word used here for “beg” actually means to seek. So we don’t have to go looking for food, but we do have to seek Yahweh first – who is the bread of life. And as it says, all these things will be added. So in order not to have to look for earthly food, we need to seek for our spiritual food.
Thank you Yahweh for your provision, for always being true to you. I love you. You’re not going anywhere: I can boast about that, but will not take it for granted and abuse that privilege.
Today feels like Friday. So much so that as I was about to read over last week’s journal entry, I almost started to panic and pleading forgiveness for skipping/missing an entire day. And then I remembered that today is Thursday (facepalm).
